In Three Acts
ACT I
[EXPLANATORY. I regard the idea of this play as a valuable invention. I call it the Patent Universally-Applicable Automatically-Adjustable Language Drama. This indicates that it is adjustable to any tongue, and performable in any tongue. The English portions of the play are to remain just as they are, permanently; but you change the foreign portions to any language you please, at will. Do you see? You at once have the same old play in a new tongue. And you can keep on changing it from language to language, until your private theatrical pupils have become glib and at home in the speech of all nations. Zum Beispiel, suppose we wish to adjust the play to the French tongue. First, we give Mrs. Blumenthal and Gretchen French names. Next, we knock the German Meisterschaft sentences out of the first scene, and replace them with sentences from the French Meisterschaft — like this, for instance; “Je voudrais faire des emplettes ce matin; voulez-vous avoir l`obligeance de venir avec moi chez le tailleur francais?” And so on. Wherever you find German, replace it with French, leaving the English parts undisturbed. When you come to the long conversation in the second act, turn to any pamphlet of your French Meisterschaft, and shovel in as much French talk on any subject as will fill up the gaps left by the expunged German. Example — page 423 French Meisterschaft:
On dirait qu`il va faire chaud.
J`ai chaud.
J`ai extrêmement chaud.
Ah! qu`il fait chaud!
Il fait une chaleur étouffante!
L`air est brûlant.
Je meurs de chaleur.
Il est presque impossible de supporter la chaleur.
Cela vous fait transpirer.
Mettons nous à l`ombre.
Il fait du vent.
Il fait un vent froid.
Il fait un temps très-agréable pour se promener aujour-d`hui.
And so on, all the way through. It is very easy to adjust the play to any desired language. Anybody can do it.]
MEISTERSCHAFT: IN THREE ACTS
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
MR. STEPHENSON. MARGARET STEPHENSON.
GEORGE FRANKLIN. ANNIE STEPHENSON.
WILLIAM JACKSON. MRS. BLUMENTHAL, the Wirthin.
GRETCHEN, Kellnerin.
ACT I.
SCENE I.
Scene of the play, the parlor of a small private dwelling in a village.
MARGARET. (Discovered crocheting — has a pamphlet.)
MARGARET. (Solus.) Dear, dear! it`s dreary enough, to have to study this impossible German tongue: to be exiled from home and all human society except a body`s sister in order to do it, is just simply abscheulich. Here`s only three weeks of the three months gone, and it seems like three years. I don`t believe I can live through it, and I`m sure Annie can`t. (Refers to her book, and rattles through, several times, like one memorizing:) Entschuldigen Sie, mein Herr, können Sie mir vielleicht sagen, um wie viel Uhr der erste Zug nach Dresden abgeht? (Makes mistakes and corrects them.) I just hate Meisterschaft! We may see people; we can have society: yes, on condition that the conversation shall be in German, and in German only — every single word of it! Very kind — oh, very! when neither Annie nor I can put two words together, except as they are put together for us in Meisterschaft or that idiotic Ollendorff! (Refers to book, and memorizes: Mein Bruder hat Ihren Herrn Vater nicht gesehen, als er gestern in dem Laden des deutschen Kaufmannes war.) Yes, we can have society, provided we talk German. What would such a conversation be like! If you should stick to Meisterschaft, it would change the subject every two minutes; and if you stuck to Ollendorff, it would be all about your sister`s mother`s good stocking of thread, or your grandfather`s aunt`s good hammer of the carpenter, and who`s got it, and there an end. You couldn`t keep up your interest in such topics. (Memorizing: Wenn irgend möglich, — möchte ich noch heute Vormittag dort ankommen, da es mir sehr daran gelegen ist, einen meiner Geschäftsfreunde zu treffen.) My mind is made up to one thing: I will be an exile, in spirit and in truth: I will see no one during these three months. Father is very ingenious — oh, very! thinks he is, anyway. Thinks he has invented a way to force us to learn to speak German. He is a dear good soul, and all that; but invention isn`t his fash`. He will see. (With eloquent energy.) Why, nothing in the world shall — Bitte, können Sie mir vielleicht sagen, ob Herr Schmidt mit diesem Zuge angekommen ist? Oh, dear, dear George — three weeks! It seems a whole century since I saw him. I wonder if he suspects that I — that I — care for him —— j — just a wee, wee bit? I believe he does. And I believe Will suspects that Annie cares for him a little, that I do. And I know perfectly well that they care for us. They agree with all our opinions, no matter what they are; and if they have a prejudice, they change it, as soon as they see how foolish it is. Dear George! at first he just couldn`t abide cats; but now, why now he`s just all for cats; he fairly welters in cats. I never saw such a reform. And it`s just so with all his principles: he hasn`t got one that he had before. Ah, if all men were like him, this world would —— (Memorizing: Im Gegentheil, mein Herr, dieser Stoff is sehr billig. Bitte, sehen Sie sich nur die Qualität an.) Yes, and what did they go to studying German for, if it wasn`t an inspiration of the highest and purest sympathy? Any other explanation is nonsense —— why, they`d as soon have thought of studying American history. ( Turns her back, buries herself in her pamphlet, first memorizing aloud, until Annie enters, then to herself, rocking to and fro, and rapidly moving her lips, without uttering a sound.)
Enter Annie, absorbed in her pamphlet — does not at first see Margaret.
ANNIE. (Memorizing: Er liess mich gestern früh rufen, und sagte mir dass er einen sehr unangenehmen Brief von Ihrem Lehrer erhalten hatte. Repeats twice aloud, then to herself, briskly moving her lips.)
M. (Still not seeing her sister.) Wie geht es Ihrem Herrn Schwiegervater? Es freut mich sehr dass Ihre Frau Mutter wieder wohl ist. (Repeats. Then mouths in silence.)
(Annie repeats her sentence a couple of times aloud; then looks up, working her lips, and discovers Margaret.) Oh, you here! (Running to her.) O lovey-dovey, dovey-lovey, I`ve got the gr-reatest news! Guess, guess, guess! You`ll never guess in a hundred thousand million years — and more!
M. Oh, tell me, tell me, dearie; don`t keep me in agony.
A. Well, I will. What — do — you — think? They`re here!
M. Wh-a-t! Who? When? Which? Speak!
A. Will and George!
M. Annie Alexandra Victoria Stephenson, what do you mean!
A. As sure as guns!
M. (Spasmodically unarming and kissing her.) `Sh! don`t use such language. O darling, say it again!
A. As sure as guns!
M. I don`t mean that! Tell me again, that —
A. (Springing up and waltzing about the room.) They`re here — in this very village — to learn German — for three months! Es sollte mich sehr freuen wenn Sie —
M. (Joining in the dance.) Oh, it`s just too lovely for anything! (Unconsciously memorizing:) Es wäre mir lieb wenn Sie morgen mit mir in die Kirche gehen könnten, aber ich kann selbst nicht gehen, weil ich Sonntags gewöhnlich krank bin. Juckhe!
A. (Finishing some unconscious memorizing.) — morgen Mittag bei mir speisen könnten. Juckhe! Sit down and I`ll tell you all I`ve heard. (They sit.) They`re here, and under that same odious law that fetters us — our tongues, I mean; the metaphor`s faulty, but no matter. They can go out, and see people, only on condition that they hear and speak German, and German only.
M. Isn`t — that — too lovely!
A. And they`re coming to see us!
M. Darling! (Kissing her.) But are you sure?
A. Sure as guns — Gatling guns!
M. `Sh! don`t child, it`s schrecklich! Darling — you aren`t mistaken?
A. As sure as g — batteries!
They jump up and dance a moment — then —
M. (With distress.) But, Annie dear! — we can`t talk German — and neither can they!
A. (Sorrowfully.) I didn`t think of that.
M. How cruel it is! What can we do?
A. (After a reflective pause, resolutely.) Margaret — we`ve got to.
M. Got to what?
A. Speak German.
M. Why, how, child?
A. (Contemplating her pamphlet with earnestness.) I can tell you one thing. Just give me the blessed privilege: just hinsetzen Will Jackson here in front of me and I`ll talk German to him as long as this Meisterschaft holds out to burn.
M. (Joyously.) Oh, what an elegant idea! You certainly have got a mind that`s a mine of resources, if ever anybody had one.
A. I`ll skin this Meisterschaft to the last sentence in it!
M. (With a happy idea.) Why, Annie, it`s the greatest thing in the world. I`ve been all this time struggling and despairing over these few little Meisterschaft primers: but as sure as you live, I`ll have the whole fifteen by heart before this time day after to-morrow. See if I don`t.
A. And so will I; and I`ll trowel-in a layer of Ollendorff mush between every couple of courses of Meisterschaft bricks. Juckhe!
M. Hoch! hoch! hoch!
A. Stoss an!
M. Juckhe! Wir werden gleich gute deutsche Schülerinnen werden! Juck ——
A. — he!
M. Annie, when are they coming to see us? To-night?
A. No.
M. No? Why not? When are they coming? What are they waiting for? The idea! I never heard of such a thing! What do you ——
A. (Breaking in.) Wait, wait, wait! give a body a chance. They have their reasons.
M. Reasons? — what reasons?
A. Well, now, when you stop and think, they`re royal good ones. They`ve got to talk German when they come, haven`t they? Of course. Well, they don`t know any German but Wie befinden Sie sich, and Haben Sie gut geschlafen, and Vater unser, and Ich trinke lieber Bier als Wasser, and a few little parlor things like that; but when it comes to talking, why, they don`t know a hundred and fifty German words, put them all together.
M. Oh, I see!
A. So they`re going neither to eat, sleep, smoke, nor speak the truth till they`ve crammed home the whole fifteen Meisterschafts auswendig!
M. Noble hearts!
A. They`ve given themselves till day after to-morrow, half-past 7 P.M., and then they`ll arrive here, loaded.
M. Oh, how lovely, how gorgeous, how beautiful! Some think this world is made of mud; I think it`s made of rainbows. (Memorizing.) Wenn irgend möglich, so möchte ich noch heute Vormittag dort ankommen, da es mir sehr daran gelegen ist, — Annie, I can learn it just like nothing!
A. So can I. Meisterschaft`s mere fun — I don`t see how it ever could have seemed difficult. Come! We can be disturbed here: let`s give orders that we don`t want anything to eat for two days; and are absent to friends, dead to strangers, and not at home even to nougat-peddlers ——
M. Schön! and we`ll lock ourselves into our rooms, and at the end of two days, whosoever may ask us a Meisterschaft question shall get a Meisterschaft answer — and hot from the bat!
BOTH. (Reciting in unison.) Ich habe einen Hut für meinen Sohn, ein Paar Handschuhe für meinen Bruder, und einen Kamm für mich selbst gekauft.
(Exeunt.)
Enter MRS. BLUMENTHAL, the Wirthin.
WIRTHIN. (Solus.) Ach, die armen Mädchen, sie hassen die deutsche Sprache, drum ist es ganz und gar unmöglich dass sie sie je lernen können. Es bricht mir ja mein Herz ihre Kummer über die Studien anzusehen .... Warum haben sie den Entchluss gefasst in ihren Zimmern ein Paar Tage zu bleiben? ... Ja — gewiss — dass versteht sich: sie sind entmuthigt — arme Kinder!
(A knock at the door.) Herein!
Enter Gretchen with card.
G. Er ist schon wieder da, und sagt dass er nur Sie sehen will. (Hands the card.) Auch —
WIRTHIN. Gott im Himmel — der Vater der Mädchen! (Puts the card in her pocket.) Er wünscht die Töchter nicht zu treffen? Ganz recht; also, Du schweigst.
G. Zu Befehl.
WIRTHIN. Lass ihn hereinkommen.
G. Ja, Frau Wirthin!
Exit Gretchen.
WIRTHIN. (Solus.) Ah — jetzt muss ich ihm die Wahrheit offenbaren.
Enter Mr. Stephenson.
STEPHENSON. Good morning, Mrs. Blumenthal — keep your seat, keep your seat, please. I`m only here for a moment — merely to get your report, you know. (Seating himself.) Don`t want to see the girls — poor things, they`d want to go home with me. I`m afraid I couldn`t have the heart to say no. How`s the German getting along?
WIRTHIN. N-not very well; I was afraid you would ask me that. You see, they hate it, they don`t take the least interest in it, and there isn`t anything to incite them to an interest, you see. And so they can`t talk at all.
S. M-m. That`s bad. I had an idea that they`d get lonesome, and have to seek society; and then, of course, my plan would work, considering the cast-iron conditions of it.
WIRTHIN. But it hasn t so far. I ve thrown nice company in their way — I`ve done my very best, in every way I could think of — but it`s no use; they won`t go out, and they won`t receive anybody. And a body can`t blame them; they`d be tongue-tied — couldn`t do anything with a German conversation. Now when I started to learn German — such poor German as I know — the case was very different: my intended was a German. I was to live among Germans the rest of my life; and so I had to learn. Why, bless my heart! I nearly lost the man the first time he asked me — I thought he was talking about the measles. They were very prevalent at the time. Told him I didn`t want any in mine. But I found out the mistake, and I was fixed for him next time... Oh, yes, Mr. Stephenson, a sweetheart`s a prime incentive!
S. (Aside.) Good soul! she doesn`t suspect that my plan is a double scheme — includes a speaking knowledge of German, which I am bound they shall have, and the keeping them away from those two young fellows — though if I had known that those boys were going off for a year`s foreign travel, I — however, the girls would never learn that language at home; they`re here, and I won`t relent — they`ve got to stick the three months out. (Aloud.) So they are making poor progress? Now tell me — will they learn it — after a sort of fashion, I mean — in the three months?
WIRTHIN. Well, now, I`ll tell you the only chance I see. Do what I will, they won`t answer my German with anything but English; if that goes on, they`ll stand stock still. Now I`m willing to do this: I`ll straighten everything up, get matters in smooth running order, and day after to-morrow I`ll go to bed sick, and stay sick three weeks.
S: Good! You are an angel! I see your idea. The servant girl —
WIRTHIN. That`s it; that`s my project. She doesn`t know a word of English. And Gretchen`s a real good soul, and can talk the slates off a roof. Her tongue`s just a flutter-mill. I`ll keep my room, — just ailing a little, — and they`ll never see my face except when they pay their little duty-visits to me, and then I`ll say English disorders my mind. They`ll be shut up with Gretchen`s wind-mill, and she`ll just grind them to powder. Oh, they`ll get a start in the language — sort of a one, sure`s you live. You come back in three weeks.
S. Bless you, my Retterin! I`ll be here to the day! Get ye to your sick-room — you shall have treble pay. (Looking at watch.) Good! I can just catch my train. Leben Sie wohl! (Exit.)
WIRTHIN. Leben Sie wohl! mein Herr!